A Confederacy Of Dunces

I think I’m going to watch the debate tonight. It will be a test of my character: how much pain can I stand before I break? At what point will I run screaming to the liquor cabinet, desperate to blot out the inane hallucinations who keep bleating about tax cuts? I already know the answer to that. It won’t be the nauseating Reagan worship, although that’s sure to irritate the bowels. It will be when they talk about their “faith.” Yeah, that’s when I crumple to the floor like a hundred and sixty pounds of sweaty jello and plead for it all to stop.

Just look at these clods. What kind of country would allow these buffoons anywhere near the seat of power? The most ‘serious’ candidate among them believes in an angel named Maroni. Rick Perry, on the other hand, prays for rain, like human beings would have done thousands of years ago in between sacrificing virgins and eating human hearts. And Bachmann, well, Bachmann would happily burn gays at the stake if she could. It would probably give her an orgasm. Rick Santorum is Rick Santorum. The only good thing I can say about him is that he admitted to smoking pot when he was in college. It leads me to wonder what would have happened if he remained a stoner. It’s possible that he may have evolved into a decent human being. Maybe he would have studied Eastern religion, split to India or some other place that’s far, far away from here and left all the rest of us the hell alone. But he didn’t. He gave up weed, found Christ, and became a politician. Now he wants to be president. Poor us.

As for the rest, who cares? Newt Gingrich and Herman Cain are repulsive ghouls. They’re far too aesthetically disturbing to occupy the White House. They’d scare the children. Ron Paul’s views on foreign policy, which, incidentally, I largely agree with, are anathema to the military-industrial-complex. No way he gets into the White House. Jon Huntsman seems like a relatively sane, somewhat reasonable man, and his mind isn’t stuck in the Bronze Age. Unfortunately for him, that’s instant disqualification in the contemporary Republican party.

It seems like a foregone conclusion to me. Mitt Romney, who believes in an angel named Maroni, will win the primary. And if he becomes president our nation will be given a whopping, perhaps even fatal, dose of Republican economics. Listening to him is surreal. To hear him tell it, you’d think that American businessmen are the most helplessly oppressed group since the ancient Hebrews. If you are that delusional in any other aspect of life it is called schizophrenia, but if you’re delusional in the interests of big business you get to live in the White House for a few years.

His big economic plan just sounds like the same stale Republican dogma that’s been ruining the country for years. That is to say, it’s presidential.

So I imagine it will eventually be Romney and Obama, two limp noodles squaring off in a no holds barred, knock-down grudge match to prove who’s more subservient to big business and Wall Street.