Trump is in the Oval Office talking to Bill O’Reilly on speakerphone. Ivanka is seated in front of his desk, totally engrossed in texting and not paying a bit of attention to their conversation. Bill is facing multiple sexual harassment suits and advertisers are leaving his show in droves. He sounds tipsy. Trump has just ordered airstrikes on Syria, but Bill’s problems are more interesting.
Trump: I gotta be honest with you, Bill. I would have moved in on her like a bitch too. I gotta be honest. We’re grown men here, amirite? You didn’t do anything wrong, Bill. It’s political correctness. It’s nothing but political correctness run amok. It’s fake news.
O’Reilly: It’s like I always say, Donny, if you don’t like where you work, get another job. It ain’t rocket surgery. Go to human resources. Go to a different department. Get another job.
Trump: It’s outrageous, Bill, it really is.
O’Reilly: I got no problem with women in the work place. I’m an equal rights kinda guy. It’s just that this affirmative action has them all believing they’re entitled to any job they want, even if they can’t hack it.
Trump: I agree with you a hundred percent, Bill, a hundred percent. It’s political correctness run amok. It’s ruining our country, it really is. I mean that, Bill, I really do. It’s absolutely ruining our country.
O’Reilly is starting to slur his words. As his drunkenness increases, he affects an exaggerated working-class New York accent, as he often does when browbeating elitist liberals on his show. You’d almost think he was a longshoreman from Brooklyn and not what he actually is, a guy from a comfortable, lily-white suburb on Long Island who attended private school.
O’Reilly: All guys, awwwl guys get a little ribbing in their rookie year, am I right, Donny? That’s all it was. Just a little harmless ribbing. What’s a little slap and tickle among friends? It’s no different than guys snappin’ towels at each other in the locker room. It’s like a, uh, whaddya call it … a rite of passage. If women can’t handle that, maybe they don’t belong in the work place.
Trump: I know exactly what you’re saying, Bill, why do you think I keep Melania in New York?
O’Reilly, now thoroughly inebriated: And now you got the politically correct crowd scaring my advertisers away, effecting my ability to make a living. You don’t mess with a man’s livelihood. It ain’t right! [Yells] It ain’t right!
Trump: I gotta say it again, Bill, I agree a hundred percent. This is amazing, because I normally don’t agree a hundred percent with people because I think it’s good to disagree. I mean, you gotta disagree sometime because nobody’s right one hundred percent of the time, not even me. Well, almost me, but not always, but I gotta be honest, I agree with you a hundred percent.
O’Reilly [sobbing]: I never should have left Inside Edition. Not even Access Hollywood will return my calls now. Where’s my … falafel thing. I need my … loofah thing…
Trump: Bill, I gotta run. I got this general on the line. You wouldn’t believe all the generals who call me these days, and not just any generals, not just average generals but the big guys, the biggest guys, best in the profession, tons of medals all over. Did you all know all those colored things they wear on their chest stand for different stuff they’ve done? And here I thought they just bought them all in big pieces and just slapped ‘em on their uniforms, you know, to look good. It’s unbelievable what you learn on this job.
O’Reilly: This used to be a man’s world, Donny.
Trump: Why don’t you come down to Mar-a-Lago next week? Roger Stone can ship us up some virgins from the Dominican Republican. You’re gonna love these girls, Bill, believe me, they’ll do anything, anything. And since you’re a celebrity you can get away with it. Believe me, you’ll be like the biggest things since they discovered bananas down there, Bill.
Ivanka, jumping up excitedly, holding up here iPhone: Look, Daddy, there’s a liposuction clinic in China named after me! And Chinese girls are getting plastic surgery to look just like me!
Trump: Of course they are, sweetheart, you’re beautiful. If you weren’t my daughter I’d have moved in on you by the time you were thirteen.
Ivanka: That’s so sweet, Daddy.
Trump, back on the phone: Yeah, general, talk to me. How big? I told you I wanted big explosions, really big, bigger than any Obama ever made. The biggest explosions ever. Keep doin’ it and get back to me.
Suddenly, Jared Kushner and Steve Bannon come barging into the Oval Office, jabbing their fingers and screaming at each other.
Kushner: Big Daddy, he called me a cuck!
Bannon: Did not. I called you a globalist.
Kushner: Joe Scarborough said cuck. I should know, We text each other every day.
Ivanka: What’s a “cuck”?
Kushner: I don’t know, but it’s something bad. I think they called my other daddy that when he was in jail.
Trump: Steve, can you step away from the TV? It’s gonna be on in a minute. I ordered the military to bomb whatchamacallit.
Bannon: Iran?
Trump: Nah, nah, other one. [Snaps his fingers] Other one, other one, bad people, really bad people, killing babies. Awful. .
Bannon: Yemen? Somalia?
Trump: No, no, the other place. The place where Jesus wrote the Bible. Sand. Lotsa sand there. Anyway, we’re sending big beautiful missiles there. It’s gonna be tremendous. You’ve never seen explosions like this before, believe me. They were using weapons with poison in them, did you know that? What do you call those again?
Kushner: Chemical weapons.
Trump: Yeah, chemical weapons. Awful stuff. Where did these things come from? I never heard of them before. It’s amazing what you learn on this job.
Ivanka: I think the Germans invented them in, like, World War II or something.
Bannon: That’s a lie!
Ivanka: Jared, honey, you look pale.
Kushner: I’m sorry, Luv Muffin. It’s all this fighting. It makes me all nervous and fatiguey. I prefer to screw people over in the dark behind their back and not, like, argue to their face and stuff.
Ivanka: Why don’t you evict some of your poor tenants in Manhattan? That always cheers you up.
Bannon: Mr. President, you can’t be serious. Bombing Syria will jeopardize relations with Russia. It will weaken Assad. It will strengthen ISIS. Sir, this will ruin our whole agenda.
Trump: There’s a new agenda now, Steve. Saturday Night Live kept calling me your puppet, I can’t have that. It made me look weak. Jared’s in charge now. Did you see that? That explosion wasn’t big enough. Those are pussy explosions!
A secret service agent enters the Oval Office carrying a box. Trump is delighted.
Trump: Lookit lookit! [He pulls out a little picture in a frame] It’s me with Melanie Griffith and Don Johnson at a fund raiser back in the eighties. Isn’t that nice? They even signed it. Well, it’s six thirty. Time for Tweeting and bed. Jared, call the Pentagon and tell them bigger explosions. Goodnight.
Ivanka and Kushner: Goodnight, Big Daddy!
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