Some Helpful Advice For Republicans

There is a crisis in the Republican party. All of their Gods have failed, and now they don't know what to do. You can hear them lamenting aloud on Fox News and other such pornographic outlets. The party has lost its way. What to do?

In words we've come to know and love, how can the Republicans reshape their message in a way that will "resonate" with the people? How?

When I hear Newt Gingrich and all the other sweaty, piggish Republican thugs expressing their angst, I always think to myself, "You know, suicide can be a rational act, even honorable."

But they are long past rationality, and among this crew the word honor is as outdated as the Sermon on the Mount. Besides, I'm a nice guy.

I'm a nice guy, but I'm also human, so I'm not always noble. I must confess that I indulge in an orgiastic spree of schadenfreude watching these criminals squirm in confusion. It's better than eating rack of lamb or drinking a fine Cabernet with your one true love. It's divine.

Don't worry, fellow liberals. God won't begrudge us this tiny little dew drop of sweet, sugary revenge. We've suffered. We've waited. Our time has finally come. Savour it.

But I'm a sportsman, and I don't believe in kicking a man when he's down. It's just not cricket, old boys. So let's help our fellows out, okay?

You all remember, I'm sure, that during the last eight years our Republican friends engaged in a snotty and complacent parlour game on a routine basis. It was offering "advice" to liberals about what they should do to win. Predictably, their patronizing "advice" always consisted of something that can be succinctly described this way: be more conservative.

Ah, those were the days, weren't they Newty? Weren't they Brit? Back then, Grover Norquist didn't sound like the reedy voice of the zodiac killer threatening to blow up a school bus. It was the voice of God. Drowning government in the bathtub was in reach. You could almost feel its neck in your hands; you could hear it's gurgling death rattle as you soiled your dockers while gazing at your leather bound copy of The Road to Serfdom.

Oh, how they used to chortle like the pigs in Animal Farm, devouring mash and drinking booze at the old farmer's dinner table, trying to get the knack for walking upright but never quite succeeding.

We, ahem, forgive you. And from a spirit of pure, disinterested bipartisanship, we offer the following advice.

Go back and read something one of your vaunted heroes once said. It might help you develop a message that will "resonate."

I have it all right here, in Charles and Mary Beard's Basic History of the United States. It's a collage of snippets from Teddy Roosevelt's speeches before Congress. You won't believe what he said! I think it's a message that just might resonate.

When all is said and done, the rule of brotherhood remains as the indispensable prerequisite for the kind of national life for which we strive.

Wait. It gets even better! Get a load of this:

Our aim is to recognize what Lincoln pointed out: The fact that there are some respects in which men are obviously not equal; but also to insist that there should be an equality of rights before the law, and at least an equality in the conditions under which each man obtains the chance to show the stuff that is in him when compared to his fellows.

An approximately level playing field. Imagine that.

I don't know, you guys. I think that basic idea just might be catching on. You might want to check it out. Ditch the young Republican "strategists" and go back to basics.

I offer this advice free of charge. I'm a patriot.

I'm also human, and I hope you fucking worms never get power again!