Fractured Fairy Tales

I once read that the best way to understand a culture is to read the fairy tales it teaches its children. I decided to apply this theory to our own country. Let's take a look at a popular fairy tale that we all know and see what we can learn about ourselves. Let's try Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

Snow White's wicked stepmother orders a huntsman to take Snow White out into the woods and kill her. Why? Because she's envious of Snow White's beauty. Moral of the story? Women are superficial, envious creatures willing to murder someone they perceive as more beautiful.

Also, why stepmother? What happened to Snow White's real mom?

The huntsman, smitten by Snow White's booty, can't bring himself to do it. He lets her go instead. Moral? Men are suckers for hot tail.

Snow White, lost and afraid in the woods, stumbles across a cabin. No one's home, but, noticing the place is a mess, she goes inside and cleans up.

Good girl.

The owners are a bunch of homely little dwarfs who work in a mine, most of whom are named after their most salient flaws -- Dopey, Bashful, Grumpy. One of them, however, is named Doc. He wears spectacles and examines the jewels they dig up to make sure they're real. Hmm. You don't supposes he's Jewish, do you? (He may also double as an amateur apothecary. The Dwarfs aren't in a union and probably can't afford health insurance. Somebody has to treat them for black lung and reset their broken bones when the mine collapses on them. I'm particularly worried about Sneezy.)

The Dwarfs trudge home and find the luscious Snow White sprawled across their beds. They also notice the place is spotless. They agree to let her stay. Except Grumpy. Grumpy, being himself, will have none of it. (Repressed homosexual, perhaps? That might account for his perpetual grumpiness. It must be hell, sleeping in close quarters with all those sweaty male dwarfs everynight, unable to express his true desires or act on those increasingly irresistable urges. Maybe he should drop some hints to Happy. He might be game.) Then they discover something new about her. Not only does she clean house and look hot, but she can cook too! Grumpy relents. Snow White can stay.

What man among us doesn't dream about having a sexy maid? No wonder they whistle while they work.

But she brings baggage. Her wicked stepmother, having discovered Snow White's whereabouts, uses trickery and poison to put Snow White into a coma. There's only one thing that can revive her: love. That is to say, a man.

Got that girls? She must slumber along, a comotose maid, until a man comes along and kisses her. Only then can real life begin. What a healthy thing to teach your daughter.

But what man? Not the dwarfs. They're nice guys, sure. But they're short, ugly, and poor. Besides, they're too busy chasing the wicked stepmother away. They run her up a cliff, corner her, and a bolt of lightening strikes her down, finishing the job.

Hurray! Our stoic, if flawed, blue collar friends have vanquished Snow White's nemesis. How does she pay them back?

Snow White dumps them flat for a foppish young aristocrat who has done nothing, nothing, except live a life of idle luxury on his daddy's fortune, all of which was extorted from workers like the dwarfs.

Now think about Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty. Dumbo, for heaven's sake. It's just too awful to contemplate.

Politics seem pure by comparison. Back to the election!