Hitler On NPR

I dreamed that Adolph Hitler was a guest on NPR’s Morning Edition with Steve Inskeep. I caught the show in mid-interview, and it went something like this:

Steve Inskeep: Mr. Hitler, critics charge that your rhetoric is extreme. They say the Jews weren’t primarily responsible for Germany’s defeat in the First World War. At most, they say, the Jews were only partially responsible. Are they wrong?

Hitler: They are filthy liars! I will round them all up and send them to work camps in the east.

Steve Inskeep: That segues nicely into the next topic I’d like to discuss. You’ve said you plan to invade Russia, enslave the population and, quote, “exterminate all inferior elements.” Some critics charge that this might have a damaging impact on the Russian people, yet you argue that it would be a boon to German economic growth. Who’s right here?

Hitler: I am always right. We must slaughter the untermenschen to make room for the German people!

Steve Inskeep: Adolph Hitler, thanks so much for being our guest here on Morning Edition.

Hitler: Bitte.

Steve Inskeep: Coming up next, Michele Norris discusses how a Silicon Valley start-up has tackled the problem of employee burn out with a dynamic new concept - pizza night. Michele?

Michele Norris: It’s not Michele, Steve. It’s Meeeshele.

Steve Inskeep: Oh, so sorry.

Michele Norris: Thanks, Steve, but it’s not just pizza. A growing young company in Sunnyvale is implementing all kinds creative new strategies to help their workers through those grueling ten to twelve hour days. For example, on Fridays they all wear capes, call each other superheroes, and let the employee of the month sit on a bean bag chair!

Steve Inskeep: Sounds exciting!

Hitler: Did you know I have only one testicle, Ms. Norris?

Michele Norris: My goodness. That must be so traumatic for you, Mr. Hitler.

Hitler: My father beat me horribly.

Michele Norris: Omigod, we should, like, totally call Terry Gross and book you for an interview on Fresh Air!

Steve Inskeep: I don’t have any testicles at all, and I've gotten through life just fine. Some skeptics might charge that this problem is overstated. …