Inside Team Hillary

Spring is in the air, and a young man’s thought turn to love.

Wait. Let me update that for the times: Spring is in the air, and a jaded middle-age man’s thoughts turn to … the upcoming Bush Clinton election farce. Egads, just when you thought hemorrhoids and heartburn were gone for good …

The words “orgy” and “indigestion” don’t often fit in the same sentence, but when I contemplate Bush v. Clinton they merge together as naturally as peas and carrots, or warm beer and a headache, or bunions and toe jam. I just can’t get over it.

We’ve got climate change and peak oil and wealth inequality and the death of the middle class. We’ve got major tectonic problems grinding below the surface, and the best that American democracy can come up with is … Bush v. Clinton? Burp. Scratch your balls and go back to sleep, Mr. America, there is nothing to see here.

I keep thinking Millard Fillmore or James Buchanan, or Stanley Baldwin and Neville Chamberlain, or any of the other dull gray epic failures of oligarchic democracy who preceded great disasters. They bumbled and dawdled and stooped and stuttered, like Mr. Magoo, while the ground split beneath their feet and dropped them into a void, and their only thought on the way down was, Where’s my hat?

There is a really obscene joke being played on us, people. Here are your hand-picked machine candidates, now do your civic duty and vote! The only interesting thing will be watching how both of these rich, inside baseball, orthodox establishment clones turn themselves into pretzels running against “Washington” and the “status quo” A public that accepts this deserves to get them, and, to paraphrase the great H.L.M., deserves to get them good and hard.

I’m getting chuckles watching Hillary’s populist “road trip.” Who thought that one up, I wonder? Has someone at Team Hillary recently watched Animal House? Did they take a fucking poll?

“Polls show people connect with the term ‘road trip’ more than’bus tour’. It resonates with them. I recommend we use that.”

“What do you think, John?”

“It has a hip quality that may appeal to younger voters.”

“What about African-Americans?”

“I have the numbers right here. African-Americans between 18-24 prefer ‘road trip’ to ‘bus tour’ by sixty percent. The numbers go down as you move up the age brackets, but most African-Americans show a clear preference for road trip. Bus tour is too old, too white. However, bus tour does edge out road trip by a small margin among African-Americans seniors between 65-75.”

“Hmm. Maybe I could say road trip to younger voters but bus tour to older groups?”

“It’s the safest play, Hill.”

“By the way, does it look more natural when I hold the corn dog in my left or right hand?”

“We don’t have the numbers on that yet, but we expect some preliminary figures by this afternoon.”

“Good, let’s keep on that.”
  
“Excuse me, Hillary? Rahm Emanuel’s on the line.”  

“Pardon me, everyone, I need to take this. Hi Rahm. Congratulations on your victory. Wait, Rahm, you’re getting emotional. Rahm, stab the table with a steak knife and pretend it’s one of your enemies. That always makes you feel better. No, Rahm, I won’t forget that progressives are retards. You know I had to say those nice things about Elizabeth Warren because I need her right now, We’ll discard her later, I promise. Yes, I’ll try to squeeze you in the cabinet somewhere. No, Blankfein gets Treasury whenever he wants the job, you know that. I agree that Jamie Dimon has better hair, but polls show that people trust bald-headed avuncular types in that kind of a position. It projects more maturity and gravitas. I know you’re fond of Jamie Dimon, but.… what? Huh? Well I don’t know, Rahm, why don’t you just come right out and ask him? Maybe he feels exactly the same way about you.

I’ve gotta run now, I have an important meeting coming up. What? Now? Okay, Rahm, but we’ll have to make it a quickie, I’m in a bit of a rush. Are you laying down? Okay, here goes: Rahm Emanual is bigger, badder and meaner than Karl Rove. Rahm Emanuel is bigger, badder and meaner than Karl Rove. Rahm Emanuel is bigger, badder, and meaner than Karl Rove. Did that work, Hon? Okay, cheers, love!”

Hillary hangs up and quickly scans the room. “Where’s my image consultant? She was supposed to coach me on how to be likable but she’s already five minutes late. If there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s unpunctuality! This tea is cold, John, get me another cup.”

I can’t believe we’re really going to do this. President Jeb, here we come.