Monday, January 13, 2014

Christie Puts The Ass In Hole

Do you think the mainstream press has finally got the memo that Chris Christie is a complete A-hole? Let’s hope so, because the last time they had this kind of adolescent crush on someone we got stuck with regular-guy-you-can-have-a-beer with George W. Bush. Christie is so demonstrably and palpably dickish it’s a miracle he could get elected to anything. He puts the ass in hole. If he sits down next to you in a restaurant you ask the hostess to reseat you. He monopolizes the arm rest on the plane. He breathes loudly through his nose and talks with his mouth full. I have no idea if Christie actually does those things, but it sounds plausible, doesn’t it? It has truthiness to it. Why? Because we all know Chris Christie. Every last one of us has a Chris Christie in our past, a pushy, domineering lout who made our lives miserable for a season. Maybe he bullied you in third grade. Maybe he was your boss or a gym teacher. Maybe he’s your neighbor. But he’s always there, forever lurking in your memory and springing to mind in the most jarring ways and at the most inopportune times. There is no escaping him. He will be part of you for all time. If you’re a woman he may or may not have groped you, but he certainly talked down to you. You always fantasized about decking him square in the jaw but of course you never did.

If you live in New Jersey he’s your governor, and so you are living that dream this very moment. Jesus, first Bon Jovi, then Sandy, and now this? I grieve with you New Jersey.

But he has the teens on Planet Beltway sopping wet. They haven’t been this aroused since Bush wore his flight suit. So he will probably be a serious presidential contender. Our only hope is that the Tea Party morons hate him because he once showed Obama some love. The Republicans will be split, and, it being an imperfect world, we will get President Hillary Clinton, who will be a very dull but competent chief executive. But watch the Chris Matthews/Cokie Roberts/Andrea Greenspan Mitchell set pimp him hard. Tough talker. Straight shooter. Tells it like it is. A man’s man. And there is no excuse for it. It takes all of thirty seconds to Google “Examples of Christ Christie’s dickishness’ and a plethora of material pops right up. Here is my favorite Christie anecdote from a couple of years ago. It really tells you all you need to know about the man:
In May of 2011, Christie flew in a brand new, $12 million state-owned helicopter to watch his son play a high school baseball game. After landing on a nearby football field, Christie was driven 300 feet in a black car with tinted windows to the baseball diamond. When he was done watching five innings, Christie boarded the helicopter and flew home. The trip cost $2,500 and Christie initially refused to reimburse the state for the expenses.
. That hasn’t stopped the press from gushing about what a regular, blue collar kind of guy he is. But I don’t think people out in the real world are buying it. I’ve definitely noticed that he is starting to have the Mitt Romney effect. What’s that? Simple. Every human being I spoke to during the election reacted with the same revulsion and disdain at the mention of Mitt Romney. Everyone, even Republicans. I was doing some painting that summer for a one percenter and former young Republican whose proudest memory was dining with Reagan. Her mother had been some lord high mucky-muck in the California Republican party too, so she had met a lot of the party big wigs of yesteryear (She even had Gerald Ford’s autograph. Jealous? It was the single most boring historical artifact I’ve ever seen. Worse, even, than a vase I saw in Russia with Leonid Breshnev’s portrait on it). Anyway, she hated Romney and so did her husband. “I can’t stand that prick,” he snorted one day when Romney came on the TV. That became the standard response. Mild-mannered people had strong visceral reactions against him.

Well, I’m noticing a similar kind of thing with Christie, except he’s not “that prick.” He’s “that asshole” because, well, it just fits him. Take the Chris Christie challenge. Strike up a political conversation with the first stranger you meet and bring up Christie. The number one response will be a baffled “Who?” But a close second will be this: a disgusted eye roll followed by a forcefully stated “What an asshole.” People got it with Romney and they get it with Christie too. He’s just another one of the Washington press corps phony paper idols, and I really hope he’s finished.

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