If You See Something, Say Something

Yet another reason not to shop at Walmart, brought to you by the Department of Homeland Security:

Shoppers at Walmart will soon have something other than glossy magazines and chewing gum to look at when in the checkout line: A “video message” from the Department of Homeland Security asking shoppers to look out for “suspicious” activity and report it immediately.

It’s part of a new Department of Homeland Security program that could see Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano’s face on video screens in malls, retail outlets and hotels across the United States.

The Walmart video, which will soon be launched at 230 locations nationwide and may eventually be expanded to nearly 600 locations in 27 states, features Napolitano thanking the retailer by name for participating in the program.

Napolitano then says: “If you see something suspicious in the parking lot or in the store, say something immediately. Report suspicious activity to your local police or sheriff. If you need help, ask a Walmart manager for assistance.”

The good news is that this program will be conducted just as incompetently as everything else they do; the bad news is that incompetence never deters them from plunging forward.

“In the coming months, the Department will continue to expand the ‘If You See Something, Say Something’ campaign nationally with public education materials and outreach tools designed to help America’s businesses, communities and citizens remain vigilant and play an active role in keeping the country safe,” DHS said in a statement.

You know, it’s about time big government teamed up with big business to keep the country safe. It’s the one thing that’s been lacking in our otherwise healthy civic life. I recommend posting mug shots of Julian Assange throughout all the stores. Maybe make the employees wear little buttons on their vests that cheerfully warn us against visiting Wikileaks?

What marvelous synergy. Walmart makes you fat, the Department of Homeland Security makes you fearful. Working together, they’ll make you a snitch, too! Soon, they’ll bring about the almost complete uglification of the American character.

So DHS wants us to report suspicious activity, eh? Fine. From now on, I’m going to notify them about everything I see in the Wall Street Journal or hear in a Pentagon press briefing.