But Should The Beatles Forgive Them?

Good news for Catholics, the Vatican has decreed that the Beatles are okay. It’s true. The Holy See has forgiven them for their drug abuse and dissolute lifestyles, as well as for John Lennon’s blasphemous comment that the Beatles were more popular than Jesus (surely one of the most misunderstood statements since “Thou shalt not kill”). So rejoice, now you can listen to “Yellow Submarine” all you want without fear of eternal damnation. Isn’t that nice? And you thought it was going to be just another boring Wednesday.

I guess this also means that John Lennon and George Harrison will be released from purgatory now. That’s a good thing, because the Church needs to clear up as much space down there as they can for all the clergymen who will be filing in soon:

The Vatican has finally made peace with the Beatles, saying their drug use, “dissolute” lives and even the claim that the band was bigger than Jesus are all in the past — while their music lives on.

Vatican newspaper L’Osservatore Romano paid tribute to the Fab Four in its weekend editions, with two articles and a front-page cartoon reproducing the crosswalk immortalized on the cover of the band's album “Abbey Road.”

The tribute marked the 40th anniversary of the band’s breakup.

“It’s true, they took drugs; swept up by their success, they lived dissolute and uninhibited lives,” said the paper. “They even said they were more famous than Jesus,” it said, recalling John Lennon’s 1966 comment that outraged many Catholics and others.

“But, listening to their songs, all of this seems distant and meaningless,” L’Osservatore said. “Their beautiful melodies, which changed forever pop music and still give us emotions, live on like precious jewels.”

Of course, the Beatles could have avoided the Vatican’s censure in the first place if they would have just become pedophiles instead of acid heads. Oh, well, live and learn.

Progress, as we know, is slow and painful. So rather than make cruel jokes about that recent series of unfortunate misshaps that have afflicted the Church, let’s praise them for this undoubtedly progressive decision instead, shall we? And what better way to do that than by picking a Beatles’ tune to become the unofficial anthem of the Vatican? There are many good ones to choose from, but I ’ve narrowed my selections down to three: “You’ve Got To Hide Your Love Away,” “Boys,” and, maybe the best of all, “Do You Want To Know A Secret”:

Listen,
Do you want to know a secret?,
Do you promise not to tell?, whoa oh, oh.

Closer,
Let me whisper in your ear,
Say the words you long to hear,
I'm in love with you.

I've known the secret for a week or two,
Nobody knows, just we two.