What Will We Tell The Children?

I wanted to comment on Obama’s big meeting with fat cat bankers yesterday, but I was too busy reading the New York Post’s first installment of Ask Ashley, in which Eliot Spitzer’s former call-girl mistress answers your questions about “sex, love, and relationships.” Isn’t that swell? It gives those of us who have been laid-off something to do during our long, anxious hours.

Sure, she’s made some mistakes. But now Ashley Dupre, the former escort who brought down Gov. Eliot Spitzer, is sharing what she’s learned in her new sex, love and relationship column — exclusively in the New York Post. Is your husband cheating? Is your daughter on a dangerous path? Our readers asked — and Ashley fired back with her no-nonsense advice.

So what kind of penetrating insight qualifies you for an for advice column at the snooty, high-brow New York Post? See for yourself:

Are there telltale signs a man isn’t happy in his marriage? — J. Marshall, 37, East Village

[Ashley responds] Guys are primal. They’re proud and need to be treated like they’re proud and special.

Girlfriends do that for the most part. But I think that wives with children have so much pressure on them, the natural thing is for the kids to take priority. The husband feels secondary and in one form or another may seek out that required special attention outside the marriage.

Guys are so easy to please and I don’t just mean sexually.…

Here’s another tidbit to help round out the picture:

My girlfriend says she doesn’t like porn. Is she lying? — David K, 36, TriBeCa

[Ashley, again] Some women don’t like porn and some love it. I’m not big into it myself. But I must say, I was buying the Liberator [sex aid] and I was watching the demonstration video for all the different positions and I was thinking about my boyfriend at the time, and it got me super turned on … just thinking about him and us, and exploring all the different positions on this thing.

Brought to you by Rupert Murdoch, owner of Fox News, which made its bones persecuting Bill Clinton because of his scandalous sex life and its pernicious influence on our culture. I distinctly recall people like Bill O’ Reilly, and Sean Hannity, or any number of Fox’s cohort of peroxide-soaked, young Republican banshees screeching about how Clinton’s behavior was degrading our discourse. How do we explain this to the children, they wailed, as crocodile tears rained down on their cleavage.

Well, I know how to explain this current smutty outrage to our youths. If they’re girls, tell them to skip college and become escorts instead. It just might land them a cushy job in one of Rupert’s brothels, er, I mean media outlets.

I suppose we should look on the bright side. If an ex-hooker can become the next Ann Landers, then surely there’s hope for all of us decent, hard-working, honest people who are currently out of work? America is still a place where dreams can come true, right?

Yeah, right.