Thursday, June 11, 2009

Hey Fellas, Have You Heard The News?

I just saw a stunning revelation from Pravda: “Bad girls are fun in parties and sex, but boring in family life.”

This changes everything. Here I am, fast approaching middle-age, and I have to re-evaluate my entire worldview:

Millions of girls that live on planet Earth and make men’s lives better, brighter and healthier, can generally be divided into two major categories: good girls and bad girls. Of course, if a man meets one of the girls from the second of the two categories, his life will get nerve-racking, dull and sick. An evaluation criterion is quite simple. It has to do with a stranger asking a girl for favors. A good girl will say a quick and categorical “no” while a bad one will ask the man “when”. There is a set of virtues and shortcomings both types of the girls are bestowed with.

Let us talk about the bad girls first and make a list of their unquestionable virtues.

Their ability to be great fun is on top of the list. They can party all night and they can party the next day too. They laugh a lot, they are fond of flirting. Anybody can feel like a professional lady-killer when hanging out with them.

Bad girls have an optimistic attitude to life. They are full of energy. They do not indulge in self-analysis. They do not tend to fall into a period of depression. Life is a never-ending show for them.

Bad girls are hungry for sex. They enjoy sexual experimentation. They will do anything they want and maybe more than you want them to when having sex with you. Their screams of joy will make you think you are really hung like a stud.

That’s the good news, but you knew there had to be a catch. Turns out those bad girls carry some pretty heavy baggage:

First, they can not be trusted. Indeed, these vultures are serial flirters and were made to seduce anything that moves. How the hell can they be trusted?

Second, they can be dangerous if they happen to be behind the wheel. They can be as wild and reckless driving a car as they are when making love. These girls are always unpredictable, they often end up in a company of junkies or rummies.

The author’s advice? Avoid the meretricious charms of those reckless driving, junky loving, hypersexual sirens and go for the good girls instead. Choose the broccoli over of the ice cream:

So you had better court the good ones. The good ones can vary as well but this is the truth: you can experience the precious moments of inner peace and comfort only when a good girl looks after you. She will takes care of you when you fall ill, she will miss you when you are out somewhere. Sex is not the top priority for good girls so you do not have to be a super lover.

Isn’t that a relief. It gets so tiring having to please women in bed. I just want one who gives me precious inner peace, cares for me when I’m sick, sits home and pines for me when I have to run to the store for cigarettes, and won’t nag me for orgasms.

A girl like that is unlikely to cheat on you. Stop worrying even if she is exceptionally pretty. Remember how she told you to beat it on the first date when you tried to make out with her after having a few drinks. She can discourage any guy in a similar way. Good girls are mostly stick to monogamous relationships.

If only Archie had known this before he dumped Betty and married that tramp Veronica, he could have saved himself a lot of pain. Alas, wisdom always comes too late in life to be of any use.

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