Whenever I hear politicians praise the virtues of service and sacrifice, I keep a close eye on them and back away slowly towards the door. But last night was different. I admit I didn't watch the Candidates Forum on National Service all the way through. At mid-point I took a break to go scrub the toilet. But when I returned, I surrendered to the spirit of patriotism and mushy bipartisanship that oozed through my television like warm saliva and let it wash over me. Just when I reached that mental state that I think Zen Buddhists call "no mind," I had an epiphany. I have lived a small and selfish life. I've never tasted the joy of serving a cause greater than myself. Therefore, I have decided to make today's post my act of selfless service to the nation. It consists of a few suggestions for national service that I, at least, haven't heard mentioned in any forum. Here goes.
I propose that, as an act of national service, Exxon-Mobil and Chevron refrain from taking taxpayer subsidies. I know this a tough one, seeing as how they already spend a whopping one percent or so of their profits on the search for clean, renewable sources of energy for the benefit of future generations. I'm also aware that they buy mosquito netting for their African employees and donate generous sums of money to Washington, who then selflessly represent the interests of the American people. So they've already got the spirit. I merely urge that in these tough times they drill, drill, drill deep down into that reservoir of patriotism that animates their >decisions and chip in one more time for Team America.
My second suggestion is inspired by a question asked to me by a friend. When Bear Stearns, Freddie Mac and Fanny Mae get back on their feet and begin turning a profit, are the American people entitled to a rebate for selflessly bailing them out? After all, aren't we constantly urged to "give back" to the country that has given us so much opportunity? I think we are! This will also give Bear, Freddie and Fanny a chance to atone for their betrayal of free market principles. So they get a twofer. They give back to the country that made them great, and we forget all about their tawdry little affair with socialism and let them get right with God again.
Thirdly, I propose that Dick Cheney, in recognition for his years of energetic national service and tireless self-sacrifice to our great country, take a well deserved rest and retire from public life. If he still feels compelled to help his countrymen, he can sell off his Halliburton stock and donate the profits to a charitable cause. Say, for example, the V.A., which would help all those soldiers who selflessly gave their hands, feet, limbs, faces, eyesight and sanity so that Dick Cheney's Halliburton could make enough money to afford a brand new office in Dubai. You know, so Halliburton would be closer to our troops in Iraq in order to better serve them.
Finally, I propose that the American people return the proceeds of these acts back to Washington, so our government can start funding a new national service program -- National Health Service. It's something most Western countries, many of whom lack the unique American spirit of service and sacrifice, provide their citizens for free.
If the country takes me up on these suggestions, I promise to volunteer to teach at an adult literacy program. That way, I can show an ever-widening circle of people how to read up on the seedy villains who drown us in syrupy vomit about service and sacrifice while they simultaneously rip us off and turn our country into a gigantic, militarized Nicaragua.
Can I go back to being selfish now?
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