Bankrupting America, One War At A Time

They're playing dominoes at the Pentagon again. It appears the situation in Afghanistan is becoming "dire." That's because the Taliban and other Evildoing Insurgents are using Laos and Cambodia . . . whoops, I read that wrong. The Taliban is able to use Pakistan as a "command and control hub." The situation is exacerbated by 'perceived inadequacy' on the part of U.S. allies and a lack of will on the part of the Pakistanis to crack down on the situation. Yet again, the U.S. is cursed with weak puppet regimes and insufficient allies. If only our allies would grow a spine, buck up and do exactly as we say, think of what the U.S. could achieve. We could have TGI Friday's in every country in the world . . . imagine the possibilities!

So we've decided get tough. After all, hasn't America been a shrinking violet long enough? It's high time we walked tall and asserted ourselves. So we've been launching missile strikes into Pakistan. We've already conducted ground operations there last week. Reports are hazy, but it appears it was a success -- allegedly twenty kills! The only problem is that they were innocent Pakistani civilians. Don't worry, give our boys a little more trigger-time and they'll iron out the wrinkles.

But there's another problem. "Pakistanis overwhelmingly resent what they see as historic U.S. interference in their country." Apparently they've closed down the main overland supply route for coalition forces in Afghanistan for a day. Can you believe the nerve? Resentful, towards us? Even after we've given them Kentucky Fried Chicken and Bruce Willis movies? The ingratitude!

This presents a delicate problem. If our puppet government in Pakistan bends too readily to our will, the Pakistanis might rise up and overthrow it. On the other hand, if it doesn't bend too readily to our will, we'll have to overthrow it in favor of a more malleable replacement, which in turn will piss of the Pakistanis even more, who will threaten more revolution. Then we'll all be treated to a media chorus about the chronic "instability" of the region, which necessitates greater U.S. intervention, etcetera, etcetera. Then Mr. and Mrs. Low-Information American Voter will turn to each other and say, "Those people have been fighting for centuries. Why can't they get their shit together?" They'll shrug their shoulders, conclude that we should just nuke the place and turn the entire Middle East into a lake, and vote for John McCain. (Trust me, I've heard this conversation many, many times). Alcoholic's Anonymous calls this kind of behavior a vicious circle; Washington calls it foreign policy.

But don't worry. Sec. Def. Gates has announced that we're reaching the endgame in Iraq. The good news? 8,000 troops will be home from Iraq by February. The bad news? Our leaders still refer to warfare as a game. Oh yeah, and 138,000 troops will remain in Iraq, but why nitpick? He also assures us that we'll be involved in Iraq "for many years to come, although in changing and increasingly limited ways." Why am I not surprised?

Meanwhile, while these idiots are staring at their Big Boards conjuring up new strategies, metrics, hypotheticals, best-case-worst-case scenarios, counter-insurgency plans, and other such Pentagonese horseshit, our country is inching closer and closer to bankruptcy. It also looks increasingly likely that we're going to have a belligerent old warmonger as president. Why? Because his vice-presidential pick prays to the same angry God as Heartland America and she likes to shoot wild animals and skin them. God Bless America.