The Blood Of Patriots And Tyrants

The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time by the blood of patriots and tyrants.-- Thomas Jefferson.

The patriots have already been bleeding. Guess whose turn it is now?

Coming Up For Air

I snapped this photo a couple of years ago at Machu Picchu. I intended on posting it as a nice little break from politics. You know, a little slice of beauty among the muck and anxiety that currently surrounds us. I even stole the title from my favorite Orwell novel, which has a similar theme.

But it just isn’t working. For some reason, those llamas conjure up vague images of low-information voters. I think it’s the expression on the white one’s face. And notice too, of course, that they're lounging on the ruins of a dead civilization.

Sorry everyone. I tried. I really did.

Obama Won. Will it Matter?

All the geese are honking today about how the debate wasn't a "game changer." For once, I'm in agreement with the MSM. It wasn't. It can't be. For one thing, the squawking, barnyard fowl on the MSM have a vested interest in making the whole thing look like a neck-in-neck contest. (By the way, whenever I hear an announcer on MSNBC say "for analysis of tonight's debate, we go live to Nora O' Donnell," something inside me dies.) McCain would literally have to have a flashback on camera and call Obama a gook in order for these twittering skin cells to call it anything other than a tie, and even then they'd say McCain was 'gambling' and acting 'bold'. If McCain said the world was flat and we have to start burning witches and Obama objected, these idiots would spend the next week arguing about who looked more presidential. "Well, Chris, McCain really stood up and looked tough there, don't you agree?" Chris: "I agree, let's go to Pat Buchanan for more analysis."

Ugh, God. Can it get worse?

Whoops. I should never say that. Whenever I do, it DOES get worse.

Secondly, Obama can't put McCain away. If Obama shows the merest hint of anger or indignation, if he comes across as anything other than a perfect gentleman, the ghouls on FOX News will rise from their graves and howl "angry black man." And Mr. stupid, blue collar, hard working, salt-of-the-Earth racist low-information American voter will listen. Victory McCain. So Obama has to hold back; he has to sprinkle his statements with collegial remarks like "I agree with John" and "Senator McCain is correct about that, but . . ."

That's why the debate wasn't a game changer. Nonetheless, Obama demonstrated in many ways that he is infinitely more qualified to be president than McCain. That's what troubles me.

At every turn, Obama displayed those unsavory Adlai Stevenson-Esque characteristics that don't "play well" with the peasants, er, the voters. He was intelligent, he was thoughtful, he was flexible and pragmatic. McCain, on the other hand, simply reached his withered talons into a moldering bag of tough guy cliches that do play well with the peasants, er, I mean voters. "I've been there." "I'm experienced." "I will stand up to our enemies," etcetera and yawn.

Guess who "won" on the foreign policy part of debate, at least according to the philosophers on the MSM?

There were two clearly different mentalities on display. McCain is a simple-minded reactionary: there is evil in the world, we must confront it; Christopher Cox fucked up, we must fire him; Iran is building nukes, we must bomb them; Putin is evil, my friends, we must confront the Soviet Union. . . what's that, Joe? Oh, I mean Russia, Russia. He's an unimaginative bully whose first, middle and last response to any situation is force. Obama is more of a potential statesman who will play chess and horse trade. McCain is a stupid, mentally ossified old fart who wants to drop bombs around. He's Kaiser Wilhelm II. Obama, at the very least, will re-introduce Americans to something called diplomacy.

That's what worries me. All the qualities we so desperately need in a president are precisely those qualities that are denigrated by the MSM. They also don't "resonate" with the bible thumping, NASCAR watching, Travis Tritt loving Heartland Hicks who've held our electoral process hostage for the last eight years.

(Oh yes, he's also . . . black.)

Yes, Obama won. Will it matter?

Is It Possible?

Is it possible that the old, mold-encrusted piece of Cold War shit called McCain got his ass handed to him by an intelligent, young pragmatist called Obama?

Maybe so.

Thoughts On The Debate

My thoughts on the debate: buy gold and move to Uruguay.

The Next Greatest Generation

Understandably, everyone is going on about the big Wall Street bailout of '08. What's it going to cost? What's it going to entail? Is there hope for America's financial future? Will we all be in bread lines come Monday morning? Legitimate questions, all. But I have a suggestion. Let's just step back, take a deep breath, and look at the big, big picture. If you do, it becomes clear there's both bad news and good news on the horizon. The bad news first:

First, in addition to a thoroughly corrupt, tottering financial system on the verge of bankrupting us all, the U.S. is blessed with yet another voracious, ineptly managed institution that is bleeding us dry, the Pentagon. The Pentagon exists by the same organic principle (or should I say operational philosophy?) as a garden variety cancer cell: survive, grow, spread, kill. While everyone is, properly, discussing the 700 billion or so being kicked upstairs to protect the financial wizards of Wall Street, the Star-Spangled Boys in Blue at the Defense Department have a big payday coming as well. Now, our defense budget is greater than all the other defense budgets of all the other nations on earth combined, and that doesn't include the costs of our glorious wars in Iraq and Afghanistan (those are "off budget.") We also have over 700 military bases throughout the world. We even have a military base in Iceland -- Iceland, you know, in case the Eskimos paddle over from Greenland to steal the women or something. So if the bailout doesn't ruin you, the Pentagon surely will.

Now for the good news. Tensions between the U.S. and Pakistan are ratcheting up. Pakistan's President condemned unilateral U.S. attacks inside his country at the U.N., and the chairmen of the joint chiefs tells us a "big US effort is needed" to combat growing numbers of insurgents in Pakistani territory. So here's the deal. If we do fall into Great Depression II, World War III might be just around the corner to get us out of it! It worked once before, why not give it another shot? All us boys can go fight for Uncle Sam and Rosie the Riveter will be back to work at the factory. So stop looking at the dark side, America. We might be the next Greatest Generation!

And you thought our government was incompetent!

A Scholar Of The Great Depression

I just heard CNN's resident financial news reader, um, I mean financial expert, describe Ben Bernanke as "a scholar of the Great Depression."

So don't worry. He knows exactly how to get the country into one.

WaMu RIP

Maybe there is a God. I wake up this morning and what do I see? WaMu is dead. It is no more. It has ceased to exist! HAHAHAHA.

But what about all those poor workers whose jobs are affected by this? Answer: they're just the latest group of Americans to have been fucked up the ass by these venal swine. Get your pitchforks and join the fucking club.

Besides, JP Morgan Chase is buying them up. So in reality WaMu is just being absorbed by a bigger, badder, more professional bunch of crooks. Now the greedy little pikers at WaMu are going to get some lessons on how become REAL criminals, pros with the intelligence, vision and patience to consistently pull off the long con and never get caught.

Washington Mutual And Me

Does anybody else have dealings with Washington Mutual, "the friendly bank?" I know their stock is in the toilet and they're probably going bankrupt, to which I say "Amen." They are the seediest bunch of crooks I've ever dealt with, and I've met all kinds in Greyhound bus stations all over California and Nevada. I recently transferred the balance from my WaMu card to a different bank. After the transfer went through I called Washington Mutual and told them to cancel my account, which they did. However, because of some glitch the other bank overpaid and WaMu owed me a credit balance of $9.01. They asked me If I would like them to send a check for that amount. I said sure. They did and my WaMu account was closed. Fast forward to today, I get a statement from Washington Mutual informing me that, even though my account with them is paid in full and closed, I still I owe them and $11.36 finance charge on the $9.01 they sent me!!!! They charged me eleven dollars to send me nine dollars that they owed me!!! Has anybody else had this experience? Is it legal? This is absolutely unbelievable, and it happens on the very day when our August Statesmen in Washington City are bailing these cocksuckers out with OUR money!!!!
I can't even imagine what people losing their homes on account of pricks like these must be feeling.

"Look On My Works, ye Mighty, And Despair!"

The weather's getting cold, the United States of America is collapsing, and my unemployment is almost gone. Men of less stern stuff might get down. But not me. I always keep an eye on the big picture. I also have a quaint hobby that takes my mind off the dreary realities of contemporary life: poetry. I woke up this morning with a cheerful little ditty by Percy Shelley in my head, Ozymandias. Bear with me, it's not long.

I met a traveller from an antique land
Who said: Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert . . . Near them, on the sand,
Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown,
And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command,
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them, and the heart that fed:
And on the pedestal these words appear:
'My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!'
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level sands stretch far away.

What? You don't find that an uplifting poem? I do, and here's why. Some day that statue is going to be a statue of George W. Bush outside what a thousand years before was the Kennebunkeport Yacht Club. It will be covered with pigeon shit and bums will piss all over it. The ludicrous civilization that elevated such mediocrities to high eminence will be dust and long forgotten. In a weird sort of way, that thought always cheers me up.

Time For A Career Change

I've sent in my resume to CNN, MSNBC and CNBC. I've decided to get off the fence and chase my dream of becoming an economic 'analyst' on TV. True, I don't have an economics degree. True, I don't have big boobs. True, my daddy's not a rich man who worked at any networks. Hell, I don't even make good coffee. But I am an observant man, and I've been observing very closely all week as news anchors turn to the expertise of their in-house Adam Smiths, and I think I've basically mastered the fundamentals of the job. "Well, Bob, stocks are going to stay risky for the foreseeable future. Bonds are safer. In a bear market like this, make sure your assets are diversified. This downturn could get worse before it gets better. Here on Wall Street, traders are still preparing for a bumpy ride. Don't panic." Or something to that effect. Give me a pink tie and a pin-stripped suit, and within a few weeks they'll be writing puff pieces about me and gushing over my financial acumen in the New York Times Weekend Magazine. If I'm lucky, they'll even call me a "phenom!"

Self-Imposed Isolation and International Irrelevance

Vladimir Putin is pissed. He says that current U.S. behavior in the world is putting Washington on a path of "self-imposed isolation and international irrelevance." He's condemned our "anachronistic displays of military power" in Iraq, Afghanistan, and now Pakistan. He says Russia will resist any American attempt to consign sovereign nations and free peoples -- such as Bolivia and Venezuela -- to some 'archaic spheres of influence.' He's also expressed concerned about America's worsening domestic situation, "citing a rollback of personal freedoms, pervasive corruption and a "paranoid, aggressive impulse" to view neighboring new democracies as threats."

Whoopsie Daisy! Putin didn't say these things, and neither did his puppet Medvedev. These are the words and music of our very own classical pianist at the State Department, Condoleeza Rice. She said these things about Russia, and she said them earnestly with a straight face. She didn't even crack a smile, a snicker, a snort or stifle a guffaw. Honestly, historians will simply marvel at the awe-inspiring hypocrisy and stupidity of American leaders in the early 21st century.

On A Clear Day, I Can See Nevada

From my house in California, I can see Nevada. Does this qualify me to be Secretary of the Interior? Just asking, Sen. McCain.

Time For A Cold One

After a tough day of bailing out AIG, nothing says refreshment like an ice cold Bud . . . Whoops. They were bought by Belgium. I guess I'll switch to Coors. Wait. They donate to McCain. Shit. Is Old Milwaukee still around?

Where Are You Now, Mr. Robespierre, Our Nation Turns Its Lonely Eyes To You

Conservative Columnist: It's Nice Work, If You Can Get It

What do conservative ideologues who've made a fortune peddling the free market theories of F.A. Hayek, Bastiat, Ludwig von Mises and Milton Friedman do when the fruits of their teaching are contributing to the financial ruin of the United States? There's a three step strategy. First, you deny, deny deny that there's anything wrong. You say there is no recession. You say it's a mental recession. You say liberals are just pessimists, 'nattering naysayers' or socialists. You smugly assert on CNBC or the Wall Street Journal that the market is merely undergoing a "correction." Make sure your portfolio is diversified and wait it out.

But as conservatives are fond of telling us, they are realists (as opposed to pie-in-sky-liberals, who naively believe the world could, you know, maybe be a better place). When it becomes clear that there is, in fact, trouble afoot in the economy, you try step two. You do what George Will just did in a recent column. You lecture your fellow Americans that life can't be measured in dollars and sense. You quote your hero Edmund Burke and say we shouldn't be ruled by "economists and calculators." Don't judge your life in terms of "tables, charts and graphs." That indicates a dessicated mind, a narrow mind, a mind which reduces all things to, (Will's words), "the dust of numeracy." Kick back, take a break, read some Shakespeare and savour the joys of what Burke referred to as "the decent drapery of life." That's step two.

Step three? Ignore step two, find a suitable scapegoat for the country's economic woes, and begin reducing all things to the dust of numeracy again by using tables, charts and graphs. It turns out that the next big economic shitstorm on the horizon is - you guessed it, "improvident union contracts" and inflated employee pensions. Cities all across the land are going bankrupt because they can't afford paying the pensions of their retiring public employees. Don't take my word for it, read here. Will has all the numbers, calculated and recorded in all their their dusty and dessicated numericalness. Wouldn't you know it, the problem is most severe in California. And wouldn't you know it, the problem is worsening in -- you guessed it, San Francisco, where all the liberal socialist homos dwell. It seems that policemen and fireman are making oodles of money working overtime. It even seems that a nurse at the county jail made $128,000 in overtime during the first half of 2008, "putting him on track to top his total 2007 compensation of about $350,000."

"Nice work if you can get it, and you can get it in many places," Will snidely concludes. He doesn't mention the cost of living in San Francisco or bother to go into why city employees have to work so much overtime. But don't worry. He's a bright boy. He'll think of something. He'll throw some of his Georgetown interns on the case. So let's see. Get a good job, work hard, work overtime, work weekends, and try to get ahead. Sounds to me like they're doing what conservatives have always taught us liberal whiners to do.

My faith in free markets is restored. I'm racing down to the Salvation Army and buying back my copies of Atlas Shrugged and The Fountainhead. I think I'm also going to light a few candles in front of my portrait of Milton Friedman tonight.

Stick To Coffee, Girls

Mr. Jon Hanway has raised the alarm bell against a new substance plaguing the land. According to Mr. Hanway, it's a very harmful drug that costs the country millions of dollars a year in work lost. It also contributes to a rising trade in the black market. It's extremely unhealthy. It ruins people's complexions, particularly the teeth, and probably destroys women's reproductive organs. What is this evil substance? Heroin, cocaine, crystal meth, tobacco? Guess again.

What's that? You've never heard of Jon Hanway? Maybe that's because his real name was Jonas Hanway, and he wrote about this toxic drug in 1756. What was he inveighing against? That well known poison that's been destroying the "stature and comeliness" of women ever since it came into widespread use in the West: tea.

We're Gonna Party Like It's 1789

Well, well, it looks like the Masters Of The Universe on Wall Street turned out to have feet & brains of clay. We give them everything they want. We de-regulate the banking industry, their employees in the Republican Party (and many Democrats too) tell us all to pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps, what's good for Wall Street is Good For America, get Government off our backs, free up capital, if you're not rich it's because you're lazy, don't whine, work harder, shut up and let the experts do their thing, we need a president who will run America like a business (you know the drill). Well, they got their wish and look at the results. Lehmann Bros, Merill Lynch, A.I.G and WaMu are all going bankrupt. What do you get when you combine corrupt financial institutions with corrupt political institutions, incompetent leadership, falling living standards and military defeat? It's beginning to feel a lot like guillotine time. Sharpen the blades and get ready to start choppin'.

A Pictorial Guide to Aerial Hunting

Manly, wholesome fun for the whole family: aerial hunting, a hobby supported by Sarah Palin. Don't worry, it was for a good cause. These evil wolves were killing and eating all the moose. Don't they know that's Sarah Palin's job? Alaska offered a bounty of $150.00 per hunter who brought in wolf legs. Go here for details. The supporters of aerial hunting up in Alaska claim those of us here in the lower 48 just don't get it. They're right.

Did I Say The AFC West Was Boring? Whoops!

Scratch that last post. Looks like San Diego and Denver was the game of the day, a 39 to 38 barn burner. This is a perfect example of why I quit betting on football.

On a related note. Football has become America's favorite sport because it combines simulated warfare with lots of advertising. What could be more American than that? I also think some future historian will point out that America's decline began roughly at the same time football replaced baseball as our national past time.

AFC West: The Perfect Cure For Excitement

Why do the words AFC West match-up tend to make my eyelids droop? And why do they always remind me of the following final score, 9 to 6?

Service and Sacrifice This . . .

Whenever I hear politicians praise the virtues of service and sacrifice, I keep a close eye on them and back away slowly towards the door. But last night was different. I admit I didn't watch the Candidates Forum on National Service all the way through. At mid-point I took a break to go scrub the toilet. But when I returned, I surrendered to the spirit of patriotism and mushy bipartisanship that oozed through my television like warm saliva and let it wash over me. Just when I reached that mental state that I think Zen Buddhists call "no mind," I had an epiphany. I have lived a small and selfish life. I've never tasted the joy of serving a cause greater than myself. Therefore, I have decided to make today's post my act of selfless service to the nation. It consists of a few suggestions for national service that I, at least, haven't heard mentioned in any forum. Here goes.

I propose that, as an act of national service, Exxon-Mobil and Chevron refrain from taking taxpayer subsidies. I know this a tough one, seeing as how they already spend a whopping one percent or so of their profits on the search for clean, renewable sources of energy for the benefit of future generations. I'm also aware that they buy mosquito netting for their African employees and donate generous sums of money to Washington, who then selflessly represent the interests of the American people. So they've already got the spirit. I merely urge that in these tough times they drill, drill, drill deep down into that reservoir of patriotism that animates their >decisions and chip in one more time for Team America.

My second suggestion is inspired by a question asked to me by a friend. When Bear Stearns, Freddie Mac and Fanny Mae get back on their feet and begin turning a profit, are the American people entitled to a rebate for selflessly bailing them out? After all, aren't we constantly urged to "give back" to the country that has given us so much opportunity? I think we are! This will also give Bear, Freddie and Fanny a chance to atone for their betrayal of free market principles. So they get a twofer. They give back to the country that made them great, and we forget all about their tawdry little affair with socialism and let them get right with God again.

Thirdly, I propose that Dick Cheney, in recognition for his years of energetic national service and tireless self-sacrifice to our great country, take a well deserved rest and retire from public life. If he still feels compelled to help his countrymen, he can sell off his Halliburton stock and donate the profits to a charitable cause. Say, for example, the V.A., which would help all those soldiers who selflessly gave their hands, feet, limbs, faces, eyesight and sanity so that Dick Cheney's Halliburton could make enough money to afford a brand new office in Dubai. You know, so Halliburton would be closer to our troops in Iraq in order to better serve them.

Finally, I propose that the American people return the proceeds of these acts back to Washington, so our government can start funding a new national service program -- National Health Service. It's something most Western countries, many of whom lack the unique American spirit of service and sacrifice, provide their citizens for free.

If the country takes me up on these suggestions, I promise to volunteer to teach at an adult literacy program. That way, I can show an ever-widening circle of people how to read up on the seedy villains who drown us in syrupy vomit about service and sacrifice while they simultaneously rip us off and turn our country into a gigantic, militarized Nicaragua.

Can I go back to being selfish now?

What A Coincidence

Well, well, never before seen footage of POW John McCain being released has just surfaced. Imagine that happening on the anniversary of 9/11, a day when McCain is making a solemn appearance at Ground Zero and doesn't want the event to be politicized.

Update: This was on the Situation Room with Wolf Blitzer, who sounded like he needed to change his briefs after announcing it. I didn't stick around to watch it and I haven't seen or heard anything about it anywhere else. From the bit they showed on the promo it looked like the same old footage we've all seen of McCain getting off the Freedom Bird and shaking everyone else's hand. Yawn.

Bankrupting America, One War At A Time

They're playing dominoes at the Pentagon again. It appears the situation in Afghanistan is becoming "dire." That's because the Taliban and other Evildoing Insurgents are using Laos and Cambodia . . . whoops, I read that wrong. The Taliban is able to use Pakistan as a "command and control hub." The situation is exacerbated by 'perceived inadequacy' on the part of U.S. allies and a lack of will on the part of the Pakistanis to crack down on the situation. Yet again, the U.S. is cursed with weak puppet regimes and insufficient allies. If only our allies would grow a spine, buck up and do exactly as we say, think of what the U.S. could achieve. We could have TGI Friday's in every country in the world . . . imagine the possibilities!

So we've decided get tough. After all, hasn't America been a shrinking violet long enough? It's high time we walked tall and asserted ourselves. So we've been launching missile strikes into Pakistan. We've already conducted ground operations there last week. Reports are hazy, but it appears it was a success -- allegedly twenty kills! The only problem is that they were innocent Pakistani civilians. Don't worry, give our boys a little more trigger-time and they'll iron out the wrinkles.

But there's another problem. "Pakistanis overwhelmingly resent what they see as historic U.S. interference in their country." Apparently they've closed down the main overland supply route for coalition forces in Afghanistan for a day. Can you believe the nerve? Resentful, towards us? Even after we've given them Kentucky Fried Chicken and Bruce Willis movies? The ingratitude!

This presents a delicate problem. If our puppet government in Pakistan bends too readily to our will, the Pakistanis might rise up and overthrow it. On the other hand, if it doesn't bend too readily to our will, we'll have to overthrow it in favor of a more malleable replacement, which in turn will piss of the Pakistanis even more, who will threaten more revolution. Then we'll all be treated to a media chorus about the chronic "instability" of the region, which necessitates greater U.S. intervention, etcetera, etcetera. Then Mr. and Mrs. Low-Information American Voter will turn to each other and say, "Those people have been fighting for centuries. Why can't they get their shit together?" They'll shrug their shoulders, conclude that we should just nuke the place and turn the entire Middle East into a lake, and vote for John McCain. (Trust me, I've heard this conversation many, many times). Alcoholic's Anonymous calls this kind of behavior a vicious circle; Washington calls it foreign policy.

But don't worry. Sec. Def. Gates has announced that we're reaching the endgame in Iraq. The good news? 8,000 troops will be home from Iraq by February. The bad news? Our leaders still refer to warfare as a game. Oh yeah, and 138,000 troops will remain in Iraq, but why nitpick? He also assures us that we'll be involved in Iraq "for many years to come, although in changing and increasingly limited ways." Why am I not surprised?

Meanwhile, while these idiots are staring at their Big Boards conjuring up new strategies, metrics, hypotheticals, best-case-worst-case scenarios, counter-insurgency plans, and other such Pentagonese horseshit, our country is inching closer and closer to bankruptcy. It also looks increasingly likely that we're going to have a belligerent old warmonger as president. Why? Because his vice-presidential pick prays to the same angry God as Heartland America and she likes to shoot wild animals and skin them. God Bless America.

Something Went Wrong Somewhere

A brief history of Republican eloquence.

Abraham Lincoln: Fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men our created equal.

Teddy Roosevelt: When all is said and done, the rule of brotherhood remains as the indispensible prerequisite to success in the kind of national life for which we strive. . . .
. . . Our aim is to recognize what Lincoln pointed out: The fact that there are some respects in which men are obviously not equal; but also to insist that there should be . . . an equality before the law, and at least an approximate equality in the conditions under which each man obtains the chance to show the stuff that is in him when compared to his fellows.

Warren Harding: We drew to a pair of deuces, and filled.

Ronald Reagan: Facts are stupid things.

George W. Bush: You're working hard to put food on your family . . .

Practice Makes Perfect

What do you do when you're trying to bring democracy to the benighted multitudes of the Third World and they stubbornly refuse to accept it? Well, you could try some friendly persuasion like bribery. Or you could try less friendly persuasion, like economic sanctions. If that doesn't work, a little tough love in the form of military invasion might be in order. But what do you do if you've tried all those things and the dirty little wogs still refuse to cooperate? Easy, send in the hit squads!

I guess the secret of the Surge's 'success' was due, in part, to "new classified U.S intelligence tactics that allowed for rapid targeting and killing of insurgent leaders." Ah, yes, assassination. We've tried it before, at least through proxies, with varied results in El Salvador, Chile and Cuba (but the wily Castro didn't fall for the old poisoned cigar bit). It turns out we also tried it before in Iraq. Back in the early sixties, the U.S. was implementing an affirmative action program in Iraq designed to unfairly promote the Baath Party. (See Juan Cole for the details). Apparently, a nifty little CIA outfit called the "Health Alteration Committee" wanted to send then Iraqi leader Abdel-Karim Kassem a poisoned monogrammed hanky. (He was attempting land reforms, always a big mistake from Washington's perspective.) I guess the plan failed and our friends in the Baath Party had to kill him the good old fashioned way, in a coup.

So, given the success of the Surge, it looks like all that assassination practice has finally payed-off, if in fact it is a success. The primary sources for that claim are the Bush Administration and John McCain, so draw your own conclusions.

Here's A Little Thought Experiment For You . . .

John McCain finished something like fifth from the bottom of his class at Annapolis. He drove a corvette and dated an "exotic dancer." Evidently this boosts his maverick image.

How far in politics would Barack Obama have come if he'd been a C student, drove a sports car and dated a stripper in college?

And what on earth could possibly account for such a gross double standard?

Eggheads & Ideas

Looks like the Pentagon is justifying all that money we give them. No, they're not starting a new war (but give them time). No, they're not training dolphins to find mines in the Persian Gulf, and apparently they've rejected Dick Cheney's scheme of killing some Navy Seals in the Strait of Hormuz and pinning the rap on the Iranians in order to justify bombing them. But don't go attributing these happy developments to an uncharacteristic outbreak of common sense or morality at the Pentagon. Recall that they produced a videotape several years ago entitled Thinking Outside the Box, Poisoning The Enemy's Water Supply. No, they're justifying the ruinous military budget that will eventually bankrupt America by proposing a new program: the Minerva Research Initiative. According to Fox News (I know, I know.), "The Pentagon already has its share of weapons and tanks. Now it seeks a new weapon in the war on terror, eggheads and ideas." It seems that after sixty years of monumental fuck-ups (see Korea, Vietnam, Iraq War II, Afghanistan), some bright lights at the Defense Department decided it would be a good idea to establish a consortium of universities to study such original topics as, and I quote Fox News, "war, and the conditions that lead to it."

(I guess their consortium of television networks isn't enough.)

Let me suggest a few recent causes of "war, and the conditions that lead to it" that probably won't be found in any of the papers likely to be written by the lapdog professors who participate in this bullshit program.

1. Presidents and Vice-Presidents who lie about foreign countries in order to justify invading them.

2. Intelligence agencies that produce inaccurate, misleading and false information to bolster those lies.

3. Dim-witted careerists at the Pentagon who go with the flow, as well as their retired colleagues who get paid by defense contractors to appear on television and knowingly spread said lies and misinformation.

4. Compulsive meddling in the internal affairs of foreign countries that pisses them off, creating anti-American hostility and blowback against us.

Undoubtedly, the legions of would-be Kissinger's who participate in this crap will offer up the same buffet of asinine platitudes that have justified our disastrous interventions abroad for years: lack of democracy, lack of economic opportunity, extremist ideology or, my personal favorite, a widespread perception that America 'lacks the resolve' to carry the job through, or some such self-serving nonsense.

I'm reminded of a scene from Full Metal Jacket, where Matthew Modine's character is being yelled at by an officer because he's wearing a peace symbol. The officer tells him, "inside every gook there is an American trying to get out." It's pretty funny, and the reason it's funny is because that's exactly how employees of the State Department, the Defense Department, and conservative academics who thirst for prestige, think.

I suggest we save the money and just direct the Pentagon to the works of Thomas Freidman or Victor Davis Hanson. That's the type of thinking they're going to adopt anyway.

Easy Like Sunday Morning

I spent all Sunday drinking beer and watching football. I'm paying the price today. Terms like "tremendous athleticism," "overcoming adversity," "smashmouth football" and "deep penetration" have been clanging around my head all morning, like so many empty soup cans being kicked down an alley. It was nice to see the Colts and Payton Manning get knocked down a peg by the Bears. I don't have anything against the Colts or Payton Manning. They're a good team and he's a good quarterback, but can we leave it at that, please? To hear Messrs. Michaels and Madden, you'd think Payton Manning can walk on water or is about to sprout wings and fly to heaven at any moment. They were also weirdly solicitous of his health and well-being. After his injury, Payton Manning lost fifteen pound. You can see the suit he wore to the stadium didn't fit properly. Or, Payton Manning is frowning on the sideline. Will this affect his poise in the pocket?

Earlier, I'd flipped over to This Week With George Stephanopoulos. For the ten or eleven seconds I could stomach it, little Georgie appeared to be playing a Tim Russert style game of Gotcha! with Barack Obama, which is what passes for tough journalism in our decadent political culture. "So, Senator Obama, if you believe in a Time Table, does this mean you don't think we can win in Iraq? And, if you don't believe in a Timetable, does this mean you do think we can win in Iraq? And, if you do believe we can win in Iraq, why do we need a timetable at all? Yes or no, Senator Obama?" Or something to that effect. Good God, my twelve year old niece and her friends have more intelligent conversations.

It's really sad to see how Obama has to slum around with twits like Stephanopoulos, Brian Williams, or Tom -- doesn't it always sound like I have a broomstick shoved up my ass -- Brokaw. He's so clearly their intellectual superior, yet he has to tolerate their shallowness and abase himself on their insipid Sunday morning shows, otherwise they'll get all catty, start calling him an elitist, and rush back into the waiting arms of John McCain for some thrilling, post-Convention make-up sex. I'm trying to think of an historical precedent for so powerful a nation being held in thrall by such puffy, fluffy non-entities. The closest thing that comes to mind is Lous XVI and his court. They were the ones who were eventually overthrown. Dare to dream.

I like to think that Obama is simply keeping his freinds close but his enemies closer so he can attain power and gently steer the good ship America towards a more liberal and progressive future. Then again, I like to think of having sex with Charlize Theron too. It's looking more and more like neither one is going to happen, alas.

It's unlikely to happen because even if Obama pulls off the unlikely miracle of being a black man and President of the United States at the same time, he will have the same bosses as every other president -- Exxon-Mobil, Chase Manhattan, et al., as well as their mercenaries at the Pentagon. And they don't like change. They will keep Obama on a very short leash. If he ever strays too far away from the yard, the yapping poodles in the press will herd him back in, just like they did to Clinton. But now I'm getting into that whole miltary-industrial complex thing, and my head is hurting too bad to get into that.

Come to think of it, listening to Al Michael's and John Madden discuss Payton Manning's ill-fitting suit doesn't sound so bad after all.

Caution: The Invisible Hand May Not be Right For You

I just can't figure out this whole Invisible Hand thing. Every time it rains in Niger, oil prices go up. Every time there's a monsoon in Sri Lanka, oil prices go up. Every time the Earth quakes, the ground shakes or the wind blows in Arabia, oil prices go up, up, up. But when an Exxon-friendly Republican is running for president, oil prices mysteriously drop. I just don't get it. Maybe that's why they call economics the dismal science.

I propose that the invisible hand come a warning like cigarettes, Paxil or Lunesta. Caution: The Invisible Hand is not right for everyone. Side effects may include lay-offs, unemployment, poverty, cirrhosis of the liver and despair.

A Pit-Bull With Lipstick

On the Situation Room with Wolf Blitzer, they're describing Sarah Palin as a pit bull with lipstick. If my credit cards weren't all maxed out, I'd race up to the store to get some vasoline, but no such luck. I guess I'll have to white knuckle it. I'll take a cold shower and watch Lou Dobbs instead.

Passing Thoughts

John McCain's life story has inspired me to marry a rich heiress. I'll be posting an add on Craigslist today. Unemployed, alcoholic blogger seeks multi-millionaire to finance his political career. Your pic gets mine. It's okay girls, I believe in change.

Meanwhile, I see Condoleeza Rice is in Libya to meet with Qadafi in his tent. Maybe the Bush Administration is better at diplomacy than I thought.

I think I'm going to jump into the cleansing waters of Lake Tahoe today. It's very cold. But just as the water shrinks your balls to the size of pine nuts, you simply look to the sky, close your eyes, say "Kissinger" and dive right in. It works every time.

Just Say No To The New Cold War

I just watched Morning Joe. His sidekick asked one of the guests if Sarah Palin's speech will "resonate with the polls." Over on Fox, they were covering the arraignment of Detroit's mayor (I guess they can't resist watching a black man go down. It's like porno for them). One of Rupert Murdoch's peroxide banshees remarked that this will give Detroit "a black eye."

I'm not making this up. I couldn't make this up.

Meanwhile, an insignificant item rolled along the ticker tape at the bottom of the screen: Dick Cheney has arrived in Georgia. He's condemned Russia's "illegitimate" attempt to change Georgia's borders and re-affirmed our support for their desire to join NATO.

Now, back in the Golden Age of Clinton, I spent a couple of summers in St. Petersburg. I was ostensibly a grad student studying Russian, but in reality I whiled away the White Nights sampling the gazillion brands of vodka on offer at every Russian grocery store and chasing after the legions of jaw-droppingly gorgeous Russian girls on Nevsky Prospect (the best kept secret of of the Cold War, hidden from us for all those lost years -- yet another reason to hate the CIA). I lived with, ate and drank with ordinary, working-class Russians. Let me state that Russians are the kindest, most hospitable people in the in the world (and I've been around). On the street, they look like angry linebackers, but stop one and ask a question and their faces will light up and they'll talk for hours. They have a beautiful, deep, brooding culture that is totally opposite from America.

There lies the rub.

America is tap-dancing, Holleywood and bullshit optimism. Russia is neurotically wary of the past. They've been invaded by Sweden, France, and twice by Germany. They see us absorbing Ukraine, Belarus and now (vide Cheney) Georgia, into NATO, which is a military alliance aimed directly at Russia. NATO, in the words of one-time British Foreign Secretary Ernest Bevin (a big, blowsy motherfucker with forearms like Popeye) was designed to keep the Americans in, the Germans down, and the Russians out. On my second trip to St. Petersburg, liberal hero Bill Clinton was bombing the shit out of Belgrade, and every Russian I talked to, every Russian I talked to, asked me "Why is Clinton bombing Serbia?" (That was after they asked me why we were making such a big fuss over Monica. My Russian is pretty bad, so I just shrugged my shoulders and said ne znayou - - I don't know). They were genuinely paranoid about U.S. intentions, folks. They are afraid of us. So the next time you here Frank Gaffney or William Kristol or George Will blather on about "Russian Aggression" just know that there are two sides to the story. The Russians are scared shitless by America. They see us encircling their country with a ring of hostile countries bought and armed by us. They see us doing the exact same thing the British tried to do to them in the nineteenth century. History means nothing to Americans; it means everything to the Russians.

I've long thought that America and Russia should get their shit together and reach an understanding. Because there is a big, bad old/newcomer on the block called China, which is currently receiving it's long awaited Mandate of Heaven. I once sat on a plane from Peru next to a Chinese girl. She told me there are over three hundred million unmarried men in China. That is more than the entire population of the United States. Guess what, when three hundred million men can't get laid, wars begin. What do think the Iliad was all about?

Vodka, anyone?

We Are The Hollow Men

We are the hollow men
We are stuffed men
Learning together .
Headpiece filled with straw. Alas!
Our dried voices, when
We whisper together
Are quiet and meaningless
As wind in the dry grass
Or rat's feet over broken glass
In our dry cellar.

Shape without form, shade without colour,
paralysed force, gesture without motion. . . .

T.S. Eliot

"What I Did In Vietnam Was Bullshit!"

I've known a few Vietnam veterans (and a of couple of Iraq veterans), and they all have something in common. They never talk about it, ever. I used to work with a guy who served two tours in Vietnam, and when I asked him about it one time he sharply told me: "What I did in Vietnam was bullshit!" And that was that, end of subject. Move on. The idea that any of these guys would parade their combat experiences around to demonstrate their superior character or hustle some votes is, well, bullshit.

On a competely different note. Doesn't Newt Gingrich look like the kind of guy who hangs around playgrounds in a trench coat? "Psst, little girl, come sit on uncle Newty's lap and he'll tell you why women can't hang out in foxholes."

Apparently Washington, Like The Bible, Wasn't Meant To Be Taken Literally

Wow! Fred Thompson and Joe Lieberman on the same night. I haven't felt that much energy since I watched the best of the Lawrence Welk show on the last PBS pledge drive. I was particularly impressed when Senator Lieberman quoted Washington's Farewell Address. The bit about the dangers of partisanship was especially apt given Bush's earlier promise that McCain would never bow to the Angry Left. One does wish, however, that Joe would have continued reading, because further down I could swear that Washington spoke about another evil that would threaten our nation . . . What was it? . . .

. . . Oh yeah, I got it: The Nation, which indulges toward another an habitual hatred or an habitual fondess, is in some degree a slave.

Let's see, habitual hatred? **Cough** Russia, Iran; habitual fondess? Ahem, Israel.

It appears Joe Lieberman quotes George Washington the way most Christians quote the Bible, selectively.

And, a little further down: Excessive partiality for one nation, and excessive dislike of another, cause those whom they actuate to see danger only on one side, and serve to veil and even second the arts of influence on the other. Real Patriots, who may resist the intrigues of the favorite, are liable to become suspected and odious; while tools and dupes usurp the applause and confidence of the people, to surrender their interest.

See U.S. Middle Eastern Policy, last sixty years.

If only the Palestinians had as much money and clout in Washington as AIPAC. . . .

The Republican National Convention

Personally, I think watching the Weather Channel on Vicodin is more exciting, but one of the responsibilities of citizenship is keeping watch over the criminals and buffoons that rule us, so I'll hunker down in front of one of "news" networks and do my duty like soldier. I cannot, however, guarantee that I won't be staggering drunk by the time it's over. So far I've been watching CNN (don't ask). Wolf Blitzer has an unhealthy obsession with the music and keeps forcing the other commentators to talk about it (he did the same thing at the Dem's Convention. It's very odd). Bill Bennet is a pompous ass, and I have the strong suspicion that he and Rush Limbaugh were separated at birth. Gloria Borger is insufferable. I'm not sure she's qualified to be an intern at People Magazine, let alone a political commentator on a major network. She has a unique talent for stating the stupidly obvious in terms we can all understand. The rest of the crew should be included in Roget's Thesaurus as synonyms for the word "Nullity." I'll probably switch to MSNBC at some point, but I'm always afraid Chris Matthews is going to slip into complete psychotic mania right on camera, and I just couldn't bear to watch that. Life is embarrassing enough as it is. Olbermann is pretty good, but lately he's been a little too Edward R. Murrow by-half. And if I watch Rachel Maddow, I'll fall completely, head-over-heels in love. Posting will continue tomorrow in the AM if I haven't been rushed to the emergency room with delirium tremens.

Those Were Days

This by way of Gore Vidal's Inventing a Nation. When Talleyrand ran the French foreign ministry in the late 18th century, he instructed his employees to masturbate before coming to work, "thus ensuring unclouded minds at least throughout the morning."

Now they just order us to pee in a cup.

I Want My Money Back!

Just a thought, but are American taxpayers eligible for a refund for the five planes John McCain crashed?

(Okay, we won't count the fifth one).

Garbage in, Garbage out

Sarah Palin thinks the Pledge of Allegiance dates back to the founding fathers. Why should that be a problem? Her boss has made several references to Czechoslovakia, a country which no longer exists, and he thinks the president takes an oath to 'protect and defend the United States of America from all enemies, foreign and domestic'. Ronald Reagan once shared the surprising discovery with his countrymen that down in Latin America "they're all individual countries." In Brazil, George W. Bush asked President Fernando Cardoso, "Do you have blacks here, too?" Later, the Brazilian leader charitably remarked that Bush was still in his "learning phase" regarding Latin America. William McKinley partly justified the U.S. conquest of the Philippines on the grounds that God told him we needed to Christianize the Filipinos, even though it was a Catholic country. And even Bill Clinton once falsely claimed that both World Wars began in the Balkans (I suspect he knew better but was deliberately lying in order to defend his bombing of Serbia). The fact is, most American presidents have been provincial Babbits with little or no knowledge of history or of the world. They generally have the mentality of a high school football coach and the ethics of a pickpocket. They don't read Plutarch, Gibbon or the Federalist Papers. They golf, watch football, attend fundraisers and give speeches at the Pancake Breakfast sponsored by the local Kiwanis Club.

I once debated the Iraq war with an intelligent, successful middle-age guy in a bar. I opposed the war, he supported it. He told me we had to stop Saddam Hussein just like "we should have stopped Hitler back in the 1920's."

We our an ignorant country and we elect ignorant leaders. It's that simple. To quote George Carlin on the subject, "garbage in, garbage out."

Fourth Wonder of the of The Modern World . . .

. . . and suicide capital of the United States!